Saturday 1 February 2020
In what's being described as the literary sensation of the century, I have discovered a hitherto unpublished play by Samuel Beckett, the great Irish dramatist, who wrote in English and French. Entitled 'Waiting for the German Carmakers', its central characters are two tramps - Johnson and Davis.
Davis says he was 'Secretary of State for (being unable to deliver) Brexit', while Johnson claims to be 'Prime Minister', though as his constant telling of ever more outrageous lies is a joke that runs through the play, it is not clear whether he is to be believed.
Because of the constraints of copyright, I can reproduce only the final scene of the play, which features one other character, a messenger boy named Farage, who says he's English, but has a French name and a German passport, and whose money (or at least the part we know about) all comes from Europe.
Davis and Johnson stand aimlessly by roadside. Enter Farage stage very far right.
DAVIS: You have a message from the German carmakers?
FARAGE: Yes. They won't save you today.
DAVIS: But will they save us tomorrow?
DAVIS: Without fail?
Farage exits even further far right.
JOHNSON: Let's go and apply to rejoin the EU.
DAVIS: We can't.
JOHNSON: Why not?
DAVIS; Because we're waiting for the German carmakers! (Aside) And because Cummings would beat your head in.
JOHNSON: Ah, yes!
Davis and Johnson continue to stand aimlessly for a few moments. Then with sudden animation Johnson grabs Davis by the fraying lapels of his disintegrating jacket.
JOHNSON (shouting). Shut up about the German carmakers! They're not going to save us! But I don't care! I know I said we're going to have frictionless trade, but we're not! We're going to have trade with loads of friction! In fact, we won't have any trade at all! F**k business! I'm still the World King, and everyone has to obey me! Except Cummings, of course, oh and Putin, and Trump,
The curtain descends as Johnson continues to declaim his list with growing irritation as his voice fades into the distance
and Scotland, all right and Northern Ireland, Wales, Bury Council, Hartlepool........