Brexitwatch: Waiting for the German Carmakers by Samuel Beckett

In what's being described as the literary sensation of the century, I have discovered a hitherto unpublished play by Samuel Beckett, the great Irish dramatist, who wrote in English and French. Entitled 'Waiting for the German Carmakers', its central characters are two tramps - Johnson and Davis.

Davis says he was 'Secretary of State for (being unable to deliver) Brexit', while Johnson claims to be 'Prime Minister', though as his constant telling of ever more outrageous lies is a joke that runs through the play, it is not clear whether he is to be believed.

Because of the constraints of copyright, I can reproduce only the final scene of the play, which features one other character, a messenger boy named Farage, who says he's English, but has a French name and a German passport, and whose money (or at least the part we know about) all comes from Europe.

Davis and Johnson stand aimlessly by roadside. Enter Farage stage very far right. 

DAVIS: You have a message from the German carmakers?
FARAGE: Yes. They won't save you today.
DAVIS: But will they save us tomorrow?
FARAGE: Yes.
DAVIS: Without fail?
FARAGE: Yes

Farage exits even further far right. 

JOHNSON: Let's go and apply to rejoin the EU.
DAVIS: We can't.
JOHNSON: Why not?
DAVIS; Because we're waiting for the German carmakers! (Aside) And because Cummings would beat your head in.
JOHNSON: Ah, yes!

Davis and Johnson continue to stand aimlessly for a few moments. Then with sudden animation Johnson grabs Davis by the fraying lapels of his disintegrating jacket.

JOHNSON (shouting). Shut up about the German carmakers! They're not going to save us! But I don't care! I know I said we're going to have frictionless trade, but we're not! We're going to have trade with loads of friction! In fact, we won't have any trade at all! F**k business! I'm still the World King, and everyone has to obey me! Except Cummings, of course, oh and Putin, and Trump,

The curtain descends as Johnson continues to declaim his list with growing irritation as his voice fades into the distance

and Scotland, all right and Northern Ireland, Wales, Bury Council, Hartlepool........

Brexitwatch competition: which was the greatest Brexit lie?

Should we have a competition to decide which was the greatest of all the Brexit lies? Was it:

1. An extra £350m a week for the NHS - said by pretty well everyone, and not denied by the few who didn't say it
2. A free trade agreement with the EU will be 'one of the easiest in human history' - Liam Fox
3. 'The UK holds most of the cards' - John Redwood
4. There is 'no downside to Brexit, only a considerable upside' - David Davis
5. We can 'have our cake and eat it' - Boris Johnson
6. 'The day after we vote to leave, we hold all the cards' - Michael Gove
7. A 52-48 result would be 'unfinished business' - Nigel Farage
8. 'Absolutely no one is talking about threatening our place in the single market' - Daniel Hannan
9. After Brexit, we will have 'the same benefits in terms of free access' to the EU - Theresa May

I am open to other nominations.

Last question. When it is so clear that the referendum result was procured by bare-faced lying on an industrial scale (not to mention criminality), does the House of Commons have any motive for failing to declare it null and void apart from cowardice?

Brexit; quadruple (or more) whammy

Another bad week for Brexit. Here are a few of the lowlights.

The UK lost the EU medicines agency and banking authority in spite of rather bizarre assurances from Brexit secretary David Davis that in this instance, Brexit would not mean Brexit and they would stay in London. So up in smoke went more than 1,000 high quality jobs the UK had fought very hard to get, and our international prestige received a huge dent.

It was revealed that since the Brexit vote, European banks had dumped £350bn of UK-linked assets. That’s more than twice the entire NHS budget.

Brexit will cut government tax revenues by £42bn between 2019 and 2021. That’s about half the entire education budget. And because of the higher prices it has caused, Brexit has produced an effective £448 pay cut for every worker.

And one thing we can be sure of, until Theresa May changes course, there will be plenty more bad news.