Ever wanted to be a Conservative cabinet minister? No reason you can’t be, but one thing you will need is the right speech. So, as a public service I am providing, free of charge, the Tory Self-writing Speech Kit.
Write each of the phrases below on a card, then put on a
blindfold, and arrange them in a random order. Fill in the gaps between with
any old guff that takes your fancy (fact-checking not required).
These are the phrases:
evil gangs of people smugglers (put this on 3 separate cards to ensure repetition)
illegal asylum seekers (again on 3 cards)
a lot of them are young men, you know
stop the boats (3 cards)
abusing Britain’s hospitality
proud record of taking in refugees (though not ones arriving
in small boats obviously)
delivering the people’s priorities
activist lefty lawyers
opportunities of Brexit
I am available to promote any business of your choice in return for shedloads of money [actually, maybe leave this one out]