Meanwhile at Leave headquarters:
Ever wondered why Boris Johnson looked as though he was
going to a funeral when he announced Leave’s victory in the referendum? This transcript of a conversation from shortly
before the vote explains:
‘I say, Dom. Some jumped-up jackass has just asked me whether Brexit
will mean less immigration. What’s our policy?’
‘Did they want less immigration?’
‘Er. I think so.’
‘So our policy is less immigration. If they want more
immigration, our policy is more immigration. If they want no immigration, our
policy is no immigration. Simple enough for you?’
‘But Dom, how will we reconcile all those contradictory
promises?’
‘We won’t have to, because Remain will win.’
‘Yes, of course. Er, er, Dom I’m also a bit worried about
these undertakings we’ve given about leaving the EU but keeping all the advantages
of remaining.’
‘You just don’t get it, do you? We LOSE. So we won’t have to
keep any promises. So we can promise anything. Then after Remain wins, we wait for the fury of the
Tory head-bangers who’ve been denied their beloved Brexit, to force Cameron
out. Look I’ve already written your campaign speech when you go for the
leadership:
“My friends, no one campaigned harder for Brexit than me,
but that fight is over, and now we must all accept the democratic result that
we remain in the EU. Our task now is to bring together our party and our country
– Leavers and Remainers – to take us forward to the next phase of our world-beating
history.” Then throw in a bit of Latin or something if you must.’
‘Fine, Dom, yes. Er, one other thing. How should I vote?’
‘For Remain like me, what do you think? But don’t tell
anybody.’
